Struggle

It's been a very long time since I've done this sort of writing; but there was a measure of catharsis from it that I may benefit from now.

The world around me has changed much in the intervening years since last I took the time to write about my thoughts and set those words afloat on the vastness of the Internet.

Today is my four-year anniversary of joining the US Navy. I have a 9-month-old daughter. I have a wife (for the second time--a much better investment this time around), and medical condition that will likely affect me for the rest of my life.

Four years ago today, I joined the Navy for no better reason than I had decided to get married (to yet a third woman. I know, I know). Not because I decided to marry a woman I knew I could be with forever; but because I had, inexplicably, arrived at that confusing moment most people get to when they're in their late 20's where the world suddenly seems to spin on the idea of becoming an adult.

It's not that that person was a bad person; just that she was bad for me. It's not that I didn't care for her. Point of fact; she was just bad for me.

For the second time, after joining the Navy to ensure we could build the foundation of a stable life together, I broke her heart irreparably.

And I'd do it again.

I won't say I 'did it for her' or anything so transparently self-serving. I did it for me, all the way.

And I'd do it again.

But I like to think she benefitted from it, whether she wanted it or not. I saw the disaster coming. I stopped it. Maybe I'm wrong on her count; no way to know.

I wish, though, I'd been able to forward that lesson ahea a few more months. Because--for whatever reason--I did it all the way just a few months later.

That is to say, I met a girl inthe very strangest situation I've ever found myself in. I really didn't even like her, to be totally honest. But I married her because...because I did. I can't explain it any better than that.

I knew ahead of time--much as before--that this would end horribly. But I didn't have the moral fortitude to do the same thing twice in so short a time, I suppose.

About the first one here, I regret much. For the second; I honestly can't be bothered to care. That seems odd to me. As though the fact that I married woman #2 should mean she meant more, and it follows that there should be more emotion.

But neither of those things are true. She was a bitch, to be honest. A bitch for whom I cared not at all.

The first woman, that's different. I'd known her all of my independent life. Until the last couple years, I have no doubt when I say that she was the biggest part of me, outside my family.

It took an enormous force of will to break her heart the first and second time. I don't know her anymore, but I hope she is well. But she was not for me.

Then I met my wife. I had known her all along, but was too wrapped up in myself to see her for what she was. She is what I think most men want in a partner. She is, in her own way, my female counterpart.

She was for me, not because she could be my equal, but because she is my equal. And in my opinion, the most important thing in a romantic relationship is equity.

The biggest complaint I've had throughout my experiences with relationships has been that, no matter who my partnet was, they always seemed to want to dominate me.

Woman#1 couldn't help herself. She knows that's a flaw of hers, but it did not change the fact that she did it.

And from her, very early, I learn the truest thing about myself: I will not be dominated.

Woman#2 was just...simply put, not a good person; and not really worth dicussing in detail. But she certainly confirmed the message: I will not be dominated.

There have been a handful of others besides these two. All of whom, in varying degrees, sought to impose their will for me onto me.

And goddamnit, I will not be dominated.

The first woman who did not want to rule me, but who also cared about me, was the woman I'm with now. We have a daughter. A daughter who, I hope, will be as good a woman as her mother one day.

In my opinion, breaking a heart is worse than having your heart broken. But you have to know yourself. And when the time comes, you have to be willing to do whatever is required to protect your humanity.

And no human deserves to be subservient to another.

Emotional, mental, and dare I say it? Spiritual parity. Those are the key elements in a romantic partnership...or any truly healthy relationship, in my experience.

You have to be emotional capable of handling each other, and yourselves. One half of the whole can't go spiralling off the proverbial cliff, always expecting to be rescued; and then themselves be unable to quiet the storm in the other half's mind.

You have to be mentally challenging to each other. No one person should live in a world where their thoughts, ideas, and opinions are inside a fortress and outside question.

And spiritually...that's a funny word to me. It's a true aspect of every human; but for the apostate it's harder to define, I suppose. But I do know the truth of (Paul's?) words in that small regard, at least: You cannot be unequally yoked. What people believe (no matter what you think of it) is central to their way of looking at the world. If what you believe defies what they believe, it follows that you defy them.

And a house divided against itself cannot...and the Congregation said...stand.

My wife is always waiting to find out she's got some deep, dark secret side of herself that she doesn't know about. Many of my past relationships have been so comically bad, she thinks I have a taste for that. I can't really argue with her logic.

But the truth is that it just took me a long time, and many repetitions, to learn and apply that one most true thing I know about myself.  I will not be dominated. Free from fighting for my right to be my own person, I can (and do) enjoy the most healthy relationship of anyone that I know well.

Funny how well two people can get along, if only they allows themselves to.